Gaylon Embrey

he Church world today is highly professionalized, and therefore highly specialized. Thus we have youth ministers for the young, music ministers for the melodious, sick ministers (somehow that does not sound quite right) for the ill, and old ministers for the aged. There is a special Minister to minister to every special group. Well, almost every group. A few have been sorely neglected, bereft of their own proper minister. This leaves some serious vacancies for the modern Church to fill. Consider the following needs.

Midget Ministers. While it is true that there are not all that many midgets who profess Christianity, still, to ignore the big needs of little people is simply inexcusable. They have their problems too. And surely, not just anyone can understand their "little" problems. It takes a very, very short minister to do this. Hence, the need for midgets who preach. Remember also that there are always more dwarfs than giants, spiritually speaking, in any congregation. Therefore a midget would be a most appropriate minister for a Church to hire, even for symbolic purposes.

Left-handed Ministers. Since we have more left-handed people than midgets, there is an even greater need for those who preach the gospel from the port side. While seminaries do a decent job turning out a good quota of right-handed ministers, the dearth of quality left-handed ones continues to grow. Church leaders better wake up before it is too late. A recruiting campaign should immediately be inaugurated to uncover those who can truly "relate" to left-handed disciples who are now forced to live in a right-handed society and a right-handed Church. Just think of how they must feel when they repeatedly hear that Jesus has been seated at God's RIGHT hand; that those who go to heaven will be on the king's RIGHT hand, etc. A good left-handed preacher could help them cope with sensitive doctrines such as these.

Bald-headed Ministers. Here is the greatest void. There just never have been enough bald-headed preachers to go around. In all the Bible just one, Elisha, is mentioned. Yet today every congregation needs one. The next time you "go to church" just look around. Surely all those bald-headed members NEED a bald-headed preacher who "understands" their problems. Everyone knows that an old preacher cannot possibly understand the problems that young Christians face. This is why you never see a "Minister of Youth" who is on Medicare. It takes the young to deal with the young. In like manner, what can a bushy-headed preacher possibly know about the plight of disciples whose heads shine in the light? Reason should prevail here. I say let the bald lead the bald.

The modern theory involved in this bit of nonsense - that each special group must have one of its "own" to lead them in Christian service - is rather odd, and rather new. Does it REALLY take a homosexual minister to teach homosexuals the truths they need to hear? Must the young always teach the young and the old teach the old? If so, then I wonder why God instructed the older women to teach the younger women (Tit. 2:3-4). Also I wonder why God chose a high-ranking Jew to be the special apostle to the Gentiles? Didn't God realize that Paul, being a Jew, could never understand the Gentile mentality? Didn't God know that the Gentile people would never pay any attention to a Hebrew of Hebrews? God should have been smart enough to pick a Gentile to work with the Gentiles. It seems, however, that God thought the truth was so universal that one of any age, race or background, provided he has knowledge and character, could teach and exemplify it with good results. So in the New Testament times there was not a lot of specialization. Everyone tried to teach and admonish everyone else. Now it is different. Today folks who "join a Church" expect to be served by their own special "Minister" employed just to take care of them. It is an interesting turn of events.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The above excellent piece shows the folly of the increasing specialization of hired "Minister" professions. We now have a wide variety of them and new specializations for "Ministers" continue to be born. It would not surprise me if some "on the march" Church hires a "Minister to the Bald." Nothing our liberal Churches and Ministers come up with surprises me. Of course, in nearly all these cases the concept/practice is borrowed from some other denomination.

Our colleges and preacher schools engaged in the training of professional Church functionaries are always interested in any new title for a professional "Minister" job. Just think of how many more employees can get on the Church payroll! The increasing size of the Church staff is amazing. Some of the larger Churches have as many as 8-12, besides the employees who are not "Ministers" by profession. There is the Youth Minister, Education Minister, Hospital Minister, Music Minister, Minister of Outreach, Minister of Involvement, Singles Minister, Minister to the Elderly, Minister of Discipleship, Minister of Concern, Associate Pulpit Minister, and the chief position of Pulpit Minister. There are other titles used to "justify" hiring more and more staff. Rest assured it will get worse. Apostacy always does.

Is it possible that our people are so ignorant of God's word as to actually think hireling positions of "Ministry" are any part of God's arrangement? Apparently so; or, else they just don't care. - CAH.