I don't know how to break this to you. I guess the best way is just come out with it gently. But gently or not, Charles, you are not liked by a bunch of the preaching brethren. They are saying some awful things about you...I don't know whether they are true or not but, Charles, you are in a tight spot! It is lucky for you that you sent for "SOS." With my investigative and probing mind I should be able to save you from those brethren (whose fur you have ruffled) in a short period of time. But the first thing to do is to look for the "bill of particulars" that the brethren have against you.
First, you are charged with being a "heretick." These disputers have been kind enough to try to soften the blow a little by placing some adjectives in front of heretick, such as "destructive" or "pernicious." But, Charles, these people are angry with you!
Next, it is charged that you are trying to get into their church, and since they got you out., you are not welcome back in. They have made this judgment I am sure after much soul searching and prayer. If only you would listen to your betters (like SOS)you would not want to join such churches as these. I have warned you in the past and evidently you have not listened.
Charles, I must reprove you and a lot of other brethren for this. All that is required is for you to be added to the Lord's church. This is THE ONE that the Lord opens the door and "no man shuts" and "shuts no man opens." If this will not suffice Bible believers, then nothing will.
Also, it is charged that you are a one man destroyer, wrecking crew, and Spiritual bulldozer that sweeps clean with a little help from D. Owens, T. Gardner, and et al. Now overlooking the mixed metaphors this is serious stuff. Anyone out there destroying these brethren's church "as they know it" should be ashamed to say the least.
Besides all of this you are promoting something that is called the "individualism heresy ." You need my help. But those of us with talent can save the day even when the sun goes down at noon. That is because we think a lot and know how to handle difficult situations. I can advise you in such a manner as to free you from your enemies. In fact, Charles, I am wondering which of you needs "Brother Serious" the most...you or your enemies. Take some notes, for I am only going to say these things once.
At first, it seemed proper to smite all of you "hip and thigh" with my theological argumentation. But on second reflection I have decided the only way to save your souls is to turn you over to some of these "restoring churches." I am going to make a list of everyone of you and send it to either Boston or Crossroads. Now I can hear your objection already. You are going to question my judgment of throwing the LIONS to the CHRISTIANS? You don't think the CHRISTIANS are up to the task?....Charles, you just don't know...These discipling souls will love all of you to death!!! Now visualize this. They meet in the arena. The CHRISTIANS turn to the LIONS and say, "let's talk." The LIONS can roar nothing except "OK." These insidious CHRISTIANS already have the LIONS where they want them. The CHRISTIANS are going to "talk" to God about the problem the LIONS are having. Out there in the middle of the arena the CHRISTIANS are going to pray thusly, "God we thank thee for this opportunity of meeting with these LIONS. We know, Father, that it is for thy glory that thou hast brought us here and charged us with converting these sinners s. So, Father, we praise thy Holy Name." And with many other words they will testify and praise God. Charles, after two hours of praying to God, what are the LIONS going to do? It is CHRISTIANS "1" and LIONS "0."
At this point the LIONS are weary, tired, befuddled, and generally impressed. The anger has gone out of them and they are now ready for Phase Two. The CHRISTIANS say "let's talk." The LIONS, expecting another prayer, can do nothing but agree. But this time the CHRISTIANS mean to have a "Bible Talk" with the LIONS. (Charles, you will understand this as a gospel sermon.) The CHRISTIANS will begin by insisting that Jesus died for us sinners. The LIONS qualify. They will then bring out the heavy artillery and tell the LIONS about the grace of God. They will tell them the old, old, story of how God "loved them" so much that He "sent his only begotten son." At this point, Charles. if all of you do not have a contrite and broken heart then you are beyond redemption!
But finally the CHRISTIANS will tell the LIONS that they love them also. They will demonstrate it not only in words but in deeds. Charles, the LIONS will not have a chance. They will be outsmarted and outgunned. Can you imagine the effect of a two hour prayer, a one-hour sermon, followed by three hours of fellowship! The LIONS will be turned into pussy cats. All of your souls will be saved and, Charles, Sam O. Serious can get some rest.
Maybe the LION can lie down with the LAMB and a small child (CHRISTIAN! can "lead them." Then maybe before Sam Serious dies all of us can get on with the task of "discipling" the "world" as the Lord and Master of' us all commanded.
Sign me, Samuel O. Serious